a piece of my mind, a piece of my heart

was talking to uncle T @3-4a.m (I think) this morning - while "waiting" for "my cute little baby" Handzalah to fall asleep (this is nearly a daily routine already, allahumma yassir) ... he wanted to call us then but I told him that abuhandzalah was sleeping and I don't want to wake him up since the computer is in the bedroom .. so he replied: "those days you're kid now you are real mother.."

an answer I didn’t expect yet I’ve received so many times – alike – since motherhood begins … remembered my cousin telling my aunts how much I’ve grown and lost my childishness (well I was VERY emotional I guess) …

my my...how time flies and how much I've missed all those moments - being a child ... once, I've thought of not growing up at all! (huhu..I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys r us kid! ;)) err, that's impossible of course ... samalah seperti satu ketika dulu I don't think I'll ever get married ... I'll live this life to my old age - kalau ada usia - doing what I do best (apa tu?), further my studies (not in the 'normal' way though) and take care of my parents till the day I die ... but things changed, so do I …

I enjoy being a daughter to my beloved mama and papa, a sister to all my siblings (that's 7 of us - the so called "Sevenlords" :)), a friend to my bestest friends everywhere, anywhere I've ever known them and a servant to the Love of My Life … well, teenage life was hard … aha, that’s what everybody has in common right? Nevertheless, there were ups as there were downs, and great moments of laughter though I might have cried pails of tears, and success more than failure and of course plenty of LOVE that keeps me on my endeavour … I’ve made friends, quite a lot … and some “enemies” too! Huhu I didn’t plan that … I didn’t have much enjoyed my campus life though because I had too little time “around” the location itself – I’ve spent so much time with my family … and I thought that was toooo much, a lot then … but now it’s like I’ve never had enough! And maybe that was and is the best thing that has ever happened in my life … I have the greatest people loving and caring for me from the minute I came into this world until today mashaAllah …

from a child and a daughter I’ve grown to a lady/woman (uh uh…that sounds odd!), a wife and a mother to my own lovely child! That takes 23 years to happen but now it feels like a blink of an eye … childhood, teenage and campus life, marriage and now motherhood … we walk through this life everyday with a different view of life itself as we learn and experience what life is all about … through different roles and opportunities … I’ve been blessed! With knowledge, and with love … alhamdulillah!

I might be nobody to the whole world but I believe that my family has taught me the most precious thing in life, and that, makes me a person equally unique and special as everyone else … cinta membutuhkan pengorbanan … whether its love to the Creator or His creations … manifesting the real essence of love takes a lot of courage and strength to sacrifice … you sacrifice the world in order to gain aakhirah, you sacrifice your pleasures to fulfill the needs of others … my mother sacrificed everything for me and my family, and still she struggles to make others’ life a better one each and every day she has lived and lives …

my baby was sick for more than three days and I was so worried and hurt … I couldn’t do anything to make him well except calming him down when he’s crying so hard due to the pain and discomfort and give him his medication as prescribed by the doc … I sang him lullabies and let him sleep in my arms through the night … and I prayed for Allah’s might to make him well again so that he could easily laugh, smile and play again to cure my aching heart …

Such days remind me of my mama … how much she has suffered in great pain not only to deliver all of us … but furthermore – to take care all the seven of us – with different characters, likes and dislikes … dealing with our problems, big and small … seeing and nursing us in sickness and on the hospital bed …

it reminds me of every single thing I could remember that she had done to nurture and ‘cure’ our spirits so that we’ll appreciate His blessings and survive the challenges in life …

the day she left us at school and we cried, she didn’t … and she didn’t come back for us until it is time for us to go back … but if we call her in need of something or when we did things wrongly or when we’ve given up … she’ll pick us up in our weakest moments … she held our hands without feeling ashamed when we ourselves couldn’t face the burden of shame ourselves … she’ll say try again and she’ll do everything to get us back on our own two feet …

and she told me to hang on, and that I can do it … the day I thought I will never survive the game of life and that I’ll lose to the sickness and succumbed to death … I cried hearing her say that because I thought at that very second I’ve failed her when she never failed us … I cried … and I cried …

……………………………. But I’ve survived that biiznillah wa bihamdihi … I’ve survived for His never-ending love and forgiveness … for the strength that she breathed into my soul and for the courage she believed I posses … she believes in me, therefore, I’ve learnt to believe in myself …

and thank you Allah for blessing me with another companion who believes in me … who helped me to survive those moments I shall never forget … who trusted me with love and great responsibilities though my two hands are small, he always believed I will be able to do these things right …